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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816304">The Cost of Bottling Things Up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quinnoid/pseuds/Quinnoid'>Quinnoid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sasha Made Her Reflex Save [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Growth, Let! Them! Curse!, SMHRS au, Sasha gets Hugs, Set after Rome, aroace sasha, therapist!Cel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:40:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816304</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quinnoid/pseuds/Quinnoid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasha hasn’t worked through her feelings post Zolf leaving in Prague, and it makes for a very awkward, painful, angsty few weeks.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sasha Racket &amp; Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sasha Made Her Reflex Save [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794730</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Cost of Bottling Things Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Sasha woke up to see Zolf sitting in that damned corridor, she froze. Not with fear, or excitement, or happiness. Pure rage rippled through her like fire, and only her rigid hold on her emotions kept her from throwing the dagger she instantly grabbed. Azu, being Azu, instantly saw everything, and her own guard went up. With Hamid still unconscious, tensions were high.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took Sasha several minutes of careful, steady breathing before the blood pounding in her head lessened enough to hear Azu trying to talk to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sasha,” Azu whispered when she finally opened her eyes. “Oh thank Aphrodite. You looked like you were going to murder the dwarf.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha grunted and turned away, retreating into the shadowiest corner of the room to sulk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the time came to check for blue veins, she gave Zolf a deadly glare and stormed out of the room when it was done. She made sure he didn’t see her again until it was time to leave for the village.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hamid cast his magic on the alchemist while Sasha snuck around to get behind them. Before she could draw her fire dagger, Azu yelled at Hamid to let them go, that they weren’t evil. Sasha just hovered in the shadows as apologies were exchanged. The alchemist stumbled over their words, then darted off to check on a villager. She didn’t think they knew she was there yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can come out Sasha,” Zolf called out. She ignored him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both Azu and Hamid called for her as well, but she had already climbed up a tree to wait. Her temper was too frayed to go back down and deal with them, much less Zolf.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the alchemist came back and invited the others in for tea, Sasha climbed up to the roof of the apothecary, finding a nice alcove to hide in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cel was the alchemist’s name. An older half-elf that seemed to be as awkward as Sasha, and with the same knack for tumbling headfirst into danger. Sasha knew she was going to like them immediately, but was still too angry at the world to really interact with them. The first day they worked on building defenses, Sasha avoided everyone as best she could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She woke up early a couple days later though, and snuck into the apothecary. Strewn everywhere were half finished mechanical devices, kind of similar to how Amelia’s airship was. She winced when she stepped over a partially crushed device, springs and gears sticking out all over it. Gently, Sasha scooped it up and began repairing it as best she could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, can I help you?” Cel stepped into the main area of the shop cautiously, squinting at Sasha. “Oh! You’re the, the, the sneaky one right? I don’t think I’ve actually met you yet. Zolf said your name was Saxa? No, no what was it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“S-sasha.” She muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right, right!” Cel whispered her name over and over to themself, then brightened. “Anyway, can I help you? It’s a bit early but I can see if Jasper’s up. He can make some coffee, or tea, or whatever Europeans drink.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s uh, it’s fine. M’ fine. Sorry for bargin’ in, I jus’..” Sasha looked around awkwardly, not having a great excuse for why she’d broke into Cel’s home. Absentmindedly, she began fiddling with the machinery again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Oh, hey, are you fixing my adaptor! Aw I was wondering what had happened to that. Are you good with mechanics?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Sasha, could I ask you something really, uh, important?” Cel asked whilst clambering up onto the roof of the apothecary. They had found Sasha taking a nap up there the day before and been scared to death when the sleeping rogue had suddenly shot to her feet, dagger held at their throat before they could blink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Course,” Sasha looked up from sharpening her dagger and gave them a wonky grin. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well, you see, Zolf explained a bit more about this mechanical virus thing? And how people get blue veins when they get infected?” Cel shifted awkwardly, and Sasha realized she knew where this was going. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You uh, you want me to do the check?” She asked, flipping the dagger in the air and catching it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d really, really, appreciate it? Don’t get me wrong your friends are great.” Sasha snorted derisively, and Cel frowned but continued. “I just don’t feel that ah, comfortable with them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s fair mate. Don’t feel too comfortable ‘round them myself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shoin’s base was awful. From the collapsing tunnel, to the drugged kobolds, to the stupid alchemist organ that attacked them. And to top it all off, Zolf just had to act like a fool, charging into danger at any opportunity, climbing and destroying a lightning rod, like he was trying to prove to Sasha.. Something. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it. It was driving her insane, and the more she ignored him, the worse she felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both Azu and Hamid had tried talking to her, but she was just so angry. She couldn’t even figure out herself why she was angry, how was she supposed to tell them? Her only reprieve came from Cel, who became incredibly protective over her. Anytime Zolf tried to talk to her, Cel drove him away with their inane chatter about whatever new potion they had discovered. Sasha was genuinely enjoying their conversations though, and they talked at great lengths about the potion that caused them to vomit spiders, and what possible effects could come from mixing it with something like water breathing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha was even able to befriend Skraak, and her and Cel worked on learning some basic Draconic with him once he was feeling better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were locked in the damn antimagic cell again. Even with access to the corridor and stairs beyond it, Sasha couldn’t get far enough away from anyone else to feel truly alone. Even she could feel the tension building the moment they got back to the inn, but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything about it. Thankfully, Cel had offered her their spot in the hammock, determined to see how obnoxious they could be to Carter and Barnes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite herself, she almost asked them to stay with her, but realized how it’d look to the others and instantly thought better of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sasha, can we talk?” Zolf’s voice was rumbly and agitating. Sasha peeked over the edge of the hammock, scowling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Bout what?” She snapped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About.. About your attitude. You almost got me killed back in Shoin’s base and you’ve barely said a word to me these last couple weeks. I know you’re angry at me for leaving but-” Cel, hearing Zolf popped back in the cell, the antimagic barrier transforming them back into their half-elf form. Azu looked up from her book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Zolf now might not be the best time to deal with this? Maybe we can, ah, do this </span>
  <em>
    <span>out</span>
  </em>
  <span>side the very small space where we’re going to be trapped for the next week?” Cel tried to usher the dwarf out but was too late.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know what? I am angry! We went through hell Zolf! Fucking hell! And, and I needed you. I know I said you could, could go when we were in Prague but </span>
  <em>
    <span>I needed you! </span>
  </em>
  <span>You said that you’d be there for me, that you’d always be there for me, but you lied. I, I almost turned into a lich, a proper lich, and I nearly killed Barret, I nearly died in Rome </span>
  <em>
    <span>multiple </span>
  </em>
  <span>times, I lost..” Sasha trailed off, looking stricken, and then the fury came back in full force. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>forgave</span>
  </em>
  <span> Barret. I forgave him for everything, for everything damn it. Why can’t I forgive you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I.. I screwed up Sasha. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know! I know, I know you’re sorry, I told you myself that you could go because that was, that was the thing about us. No one was forced to stay in the group, but I didn’t think that, that you’d actually leave. And, and I needed you not to leave, but I couldn’t say that. I’d be as bad as Bertie and. Fuck. Fuck!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything became too overwhelming all at once, and she retreated back into the hammock to hide the tears and trembling that took over. Hamid, Barnes, and Carter stood at the door to the cell, watching with varying degrees of concern and interest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sasha I..” Zolf sighed. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear but it’s all I’ve got. I know you went through hell. I can’t imagine how you must have felt through all of that, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. But I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A dagger flashed from the hammock and buried itself in the wall, barely an inch from taking Zolf’s ear with it. He flinched. “You don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> to make promises to me anymore. You don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> to apologize. Just.. just leave me alone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sasha?” Azu stood up cautiously. Sasha didn’t answer her, but everyone heard her muffled sob. Zolf’s face fell. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay Sasha. I’ll leave you alone.” Zolf walked out of the cell, leaving Cel and Azu staring at each other. Azu shooed Barnes and Carter out as well, and Hamid followed Zolf.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Sash?” Cel called up. “Can I come up there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please.” Cel barely heard the whispered reply. They climbed up carefully, and settled as far from Sasha as they could. She was wrapped tightly in her cloak, curled into a ball at the foot of the hammock. Her shoulders shook with nearly silent sobs. “C-can I.. Can you..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cel waited patiently, but she didn’t say anything else. “What do you need?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A hug.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cel’s eyes widened, but they didn’t say anything, just held their arms out and waited for Sasha to accept the hug. She curled into their chest, arms wrapped around their middle, and they held each other while she cried. They stayed that way, even after the others came back in. Carter passed around his alcohol stash and Cel, after tucking away a bottle Sasha didn’t recognize, shared a stout with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hamid told them about the adventures the LOLOMG had been through, with Azu and Zolf occasionally cutting in. Sasha whispered a prayer to Artemis when Hamid got to the bit about ancient Rome and Grizzop. When the story was over and everyone was pleasantly drunk, Cel made a big show of yawning, announcing they were going to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“D’you want me t’ go?” Sasha slurred a bit, looking up at them blearily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no no no, I just want them to stay nice and quiet. You can stay if you want, I’d like it if you did, but you don’t have to. But you need to sleep and recover, and we need to talk eventually, but not tonight because you’re drunk and I’m tipsy and also very tired.” Sasha hummed, making no effort to move. She slept for a very long time in Cel’s arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kobolds showed up halfway through Hamid and Zolf quietly arguing on the stairs the next night. Only Cel could hear it, but they couldn’t make out the words. They knew the instant the kobolds entered the inn though, because Sasha sat bolt upright, eyes wild.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey, hey, Sash,” Cel whispered, reaching out to touch Sasha’s shoulder. She jumped but didn’t pull away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something’s wrong. Someone’s here.” Sasha whispered back, and they heard her draw a dagger from her cloak. “Wake everyone up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha crept over to the door, where Hamid and Zolf were already listening carefully. When they recognized Skraak, Hamid called out to him until he opened the door, brandishing a spear and a nasty glare. Sasha melted into the shadows of the corridor, and let the rest deal with the kobolds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Azu found her later that day staring longingly at a window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sasha. Can we talk?” She asked. Sasha grunted, but didn’t move. “Can we talk about the other day?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Azu sighed. “I know that you’ve had a hard time. I just want you to know that I’m here. If you’d like to talk about anything, that is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha’s gut instinct was to push her away, but she was so tired of being alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did I ever tell you about Brock?” She started. Azu shook her head. “It was just me and Brock against the world. For the longest time, we would train together, eat together, sleep together. My other cousins were great, but he was the only one who always had my back. Never had to worry with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then Barret took ‘im away. Killed ‘im and shipped his brain off to be part o’ Mr. Ceiling. Didn’t know that at the time, but he, he took away the only person who was there for me. I had to learn how to be alone after that. Fast. N’ I did. Think I did pretty well. Then Zolf and them showed up. Saved me from being dragged back to Barret kickin’ and screamin’. An’ I thought, maybe they’ll have my back. Maybe I c’n relax, let my guard down every once in a while, you know?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then he left. Just left. An’ back then I didn’t realize how much I needed him, but when Grizz died.. I knew. I jus’, I didn’t have the words for it. Didn’t know how to say what I was feelin’.” Sasha sighed. “An’ now ‘m afraid he’s gonna leave once this quarantine’s over. An’ this time it’ll be my fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Azu took a deep breath. “I understand. That’s hard to go through all over again, and I’m sorry that it happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you like a hug?” Azu asked. Sasha gave her a little half smile, but shook her head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry mate, not today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hamid found her next, not even an hour later, with an entire phalanx of kobolds following him. They didn’t really talk much, but enjoyed each other’s company. Sasha got the distinct feeling Hamid was also avoiding his problems, and using her as a distraction, but she won 20 silvers off of him during a few games of cards, so she wasn’t complaining.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next evening, Sasha cautiously snuck back down to the antimagic room, hoping for some proper alone time. Cel’s hammock was still strung up, swaying gently. They were humming something quietly that Sasha vaguely recognized. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hey Sash!” Cel leaned forward and Sasha froze halfway up the stairs. “You’ll have to sneak a bit harder to get by me. C’mere?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They patted the hammock and gave her a soft smile. Sasha sighed, but jumped up, taking extra care to avoid brushing against Cel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for doing all that the other night.” She muttered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it little buddy! I’m glad I could help.” Cel stretched, cracking their back. “I am concerned though.”</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Sasha huffed. “Don’t know why all of a sudden I got a whole load o’ parents.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cel laughed, but their smile didn’t quite reach their eyes. “They care about you a lot. And I know we haven’t known each other long, but I really care about you Sash.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha unsheathed her fire dagger and stared at the rippling metal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You hardly know me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true! I know you love lobster, but really you just love all seafood. Lobster just happens to be at the top of the seafood list at most restaurants. I know you’re really smart, and you can wield a dagger better than most could wield their magic, including me and probably Hamid. And I know you’re really kind and sweet and loving, despite this tough exterior that you’ve been forced to put on, and you’ve been waiting for so long to take it off. And I know that Zolf leaving like he did in Prague made you feel like you had to pull it on even tighter, and losing Grizzop just when you were feeling safe again made you feel like you had to chain it onto yourself, but now that Zolf’s back, you’re torn between throwing it off or becoming truly emotionless.” Cel paused, watching Sasha run her thumb along the edge of the blade.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I know that the other night was the first time you’ve cried in a very long time, the first time you’ve been vulnerable around other people in a very long time, and I’m honored that you let me help you through that.” Sasha finally looked up at them, and they could see the tears welling in her eyes again. “Ah shit, I’m, I’m sorry. I was trying to be gentle, but there just, there wasn’t an easy way to say that, and I really was trying to be nice about it. I’m sorry Sasha, I’m-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’n I hug you?” Sasha had looked away from them, sheathing her dagger and wrapping her cloak around herself again. Despite the fact that Cel wasn’t the one hurting, they felt their own tears forming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Course you can, you never have to ask for a hug from me.” Cel held out their arms and Sasha shuffled into the hug. “Can I ask you something?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha nodded into their chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Promise me you won’t hold all that in again please? Holding that all back like that, it’s just, it’s bad. You’re allowed to express your feelings before they overwhelm you like that, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha nodded into their chest again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna talk to him tomorrow,” She whispered. “Actually talk to him. Not.. not yell at him or anythin’ like the other night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good. Get some sleep then.” Sasha pushed off of them to leave. “You know, you can stay, if you’d like.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm, Cel?” They looked down at her. “You realize I don’t like people like that.. Right? Like, it’s nothing ‘gainst you, I jus’ don’..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cel chuckled. “Don’t worry, that’s not what I’m looking for. Cute as you are, I really just like you as a friend. You’re a good person Sasha Racket.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha blushed, but seemed content with the answer, and settled back into their embrace. A few minutes later, she heard them whisper, “No one’s going to hurt you anymore. I won’t let them.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~***~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sasha stalked up to Zolf in the kitchen. When the door opened, he stopped chopping the scallions for the soup and set the knife down, looking almost afraid as she walked up. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and knelt down, pulling him into a tight hug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t leave me again.” She whispered, voice thick with the remnants of tears. “I can’t.. I need you Zolf. Please stay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Zolf threw his arms around her, holding her just as tightly. “Never again, Sasha. I.. I promise.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It really isn’t the LOLOMG without Sasha. I churned this out in one afternoon after being possessed by some deity of writing RQG. Absolutely headcanon that Cel would adopt Sasha. Also, ffs, I wrote this after Dynamite and duh. Sash. Oh well, not fixing it now. </p><p>I found the song Cel was humming: "Elven Lullaby" by Matthew Carl Earl on Youtube. Genuinely beautiful song.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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